This is a picture of me eight years ago with our first born, who would have been about 9 months old here, and I'd have turned 25.
We're just hanging out at the top of some cliffs in Cornwall, where we used to live for his first year.
It would have been September, probably after Edward finished work in the evening, before someone small would have got a bit tired and grumpy.
There are lots of pictures of us all looking so happy, and carefree, so in the moment of happiness, an innocence almost...
I look at this picture, and so many like it, and think what happened?
Where is that girl now?
Two more babies, a move to this fairly disappointing country, losing all my friends in the move, and a culture I was happy in. Losing a place to live in of such beauty and opportunity for a young family. The sea, the countryside that you could just walk through, the conveniences so freely available in the UK. My parents disowning me for mainly marrying Ed, realising I had the most awful nightmare of a mother in law, who is as mean as can be and also throws things at me (mainly food). Trying to make new friends, but finding myself hurt in the process.
All these things have added up to push the carefree girl above right down inside me.
Also I'm probably about a stone heavier (at least)!
I want that me back. I really do.
What can I do to see her again?
Lose the extra weight would be the easiest part. I can't change where we are. Its not that bad, but just not right for me. But its the only place the children have ever known...The broken sleep will change with time I know as the children get older. I don't have to try to make friends with anyone I meet, and I'm probably a lot happier since I found myself to busy to bother with others who just don't matter.
Perhaps its the responsibility of small children that prevents you from completely letting go whenever you feel like it.
What has anyone else found?
Maybe I'll start at home, just being me, and not Mrs Responsible Parent all the time. Dancing maybe... Being silly in front of the children...
I don't know...
Has anyone else been here? I'd love to hear.
That is a beautiful picture. I am sorry that you are experiencing difficult times. Keep playing, play, play, play. It gives so much peace I find. Yes, be silly! Love to you and offering a hug in friendship.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes
Kelly
That girl is still there, she always will be. And not only she, but also who you were at 5 and 15. As I read your words, I thought that I could have written many of them myself. But, that story is too long to share here. If you want a friend, a Norwegian mother of two, feel free to mail me at mothwise@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteKind thoughts and regards
Lilli
That is a lovely carefree photo.
ReplyDeleteYou will always be that girl in the picture. Sometimes we just feel like we are not ourselves! Just hold onto who you really are and be who you want to be. I like what you said at the end, definitely be silly! I love silliness!!
Love and light to you lovely, gentle lady.
Thank you so much for all your kind words! I haven't even thought some of the things you've shared, so thank you. I just get so caught up in doing lots of things for others. I'm sure many mothers feel the same. Today I'm going to do dancing with the children (there, but maybe joining in too). I used to dance so much, mainly going out with friends, and I loved it...
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